Kanal Pepat Suara

Tumbuh besar di keluarga dengan ekonomi rendah mengajarkanmu soal ini: you have to blend in if you wants to have a peaceful life. Saya senantiasa diajarkan untuk tidak neko neko , tidak mengikuti hal hal kekinian saat itu. Tidak pergi darmawisata, tidak membeli baju baju populer, tidak nonton konser, pokoknya jangan aneh aneh.  Setiap berdiskusi dengan ayah soal perkara yang sedang ramai dibicarakan, ayah selalu menjawab "Ikuti apa kata orang banyak saja" dengan alasan itu tadi, orang orang miskin jika ingin hidup tenang, wajib bagi mereka untuk tidak menonjol. Lower class wisdom ini saya bawa sampai usia belasan. Untuk tidak menonjol, untuk blend in dan menjalani hidup yang peaceful dan apa adanya. Kalau dipikir di kondisi sekarang, apa yang ayah saya ajarkan benar adanya. Mau lower class mau higher class mau top class sekalipun, kita manusia ini apalah selain sebutir debu di lautan kosmis. Keinginan untuk menonjol, menjadi berbeda, unggul dari satu dan ...

I wrote this during my first day of period and I watched Ted 2 until 3am so forgive me for all the bad words and curses in this post. September supposed to be a nice, cold, fresh breeze month. As in another continent do, they're entering fall season. Indonesia SHOULD be in wet season now, when there's a nice dark cloud hanging in every corner of the sky and cold water actually pouring from the cloud. Just like 5-6 years ago. But not now, something has changed our weather season into Dry and Smoke season. So bye cloudy day and welcome to a fucking humidity day with tons of carbon dioxide from the hound of hell. God please bring back the rain.

"Tidak ada yang berketetapan di muka bumi kecuali ketidaktetapan itu sendiri" Rekan sejawat saya dalam dunia tulis menulis di jejaring maya bernama blog, Bapak Ilham Satrio telah mengembangkan blognya hingga sedemikian mutakhir saya sampai malu sendiri bermain ke stereofolk.blogspot.com dan dialektikata.blogspot.com miliknya. Rasanya seperti bertandang ke rumah kawan lepas naik haji gegara menang undian alfamart hahaha. Megah, besar lagi matang. Posting kali ini akan banyak berisi keluhan. Saya menahan diri untuk tidak banyak mengeluh karenanya sepanjang tahun posting blog yang memang ditujukan untuk menelan segala keluhan ini hanya sejumlah hitungan jari.  Saya larut dalam terlalu banyak kenangan dalam rentang tidak hanya bulan tapi bertahun tahun belakangan. Saya telah menjadi seseorang yang sedemikian sensitif terhadap kenangan hingga sejengkal bait lagu atau sepenggal kalimat random bisa memicu tangis. Saya cengeng, melankolis, pesimis dan tidak begitu pandai ...

Why its so hard to say : "Please stay, I'm not okay" or "I admit it, I'm weak and I need your help" instead of pushing everyone who cares about you away and refuse to accept a help from a pure hearted people? Why its easier to say : "Go, I don't need your help" or "Your attention makes me dependent" Why its so important for me to be independent? As if when someone help me I'll drown into an endless hole of moral duty? I can't live that way yet I don't want to feel like I'm using or taking people for granted. Or maybe, Maybe I just had to find someone I can relying to without feeling guilty at all. 9/9/2015 I've learned to say No thanks before Thank You, I guess.

Pencapaian purna atas kehidupan adalah bahagia tanpa bantuan. Tinggalkan runut kebutuhan primer sekunder tersier atau kebutuhan psikologis a la Maslow di belakang. Tidak ada yang mampu mengalahkan kebahagiaan yang dilakoni sendirian. Sungguh.

worry not about the source, its a random pic from internet I remember many many sleepless night and lousy day back in my young day. I remember when I get mad easily and yelled at my mother like she's the one who should took all the responsibilities of my problem. I can't even remember if there's any fine day when I spoke or showed an affection to her back there. Since my mother died, I'm contemplating too much, I spend too many time of feeling guilty and worthless. I've become so sensitive and worrying if there's any chance of me hurting or taking people for granted. Its all because she's gone before I even realize that its too late to ask for a forgiveness and say that I love her. Such a lovely feeling to have, eh? I think its my own way to redeem every glance of mistake that I've made before.  And by far, a year gone and I'm still grieving about it. Forgiving is a hard thing to do, its like allowing people to hurt you, like s...

Limbo, taken from here I feel like I wanna write so many things on blog lately since I had barely no where to shout. I had few close friends but they're still human with tons of problem and I had to put them first before me so our curhat session always ended up with me, listening and nurturing them with my wisdom craps. The thing is, I don't know what I feel now. I'm 'skipping' Hari Raya this year simply because I don't feel like I want to celebrate it. I feel like I'm not worth enough to jump into the crowd and mass euphoria. So I spend my hari raya by eating Indomie Soto Ayam and watching television alone while my father and the rest of my family celebrating it in another province.  I think I'm depressed. I know its so damn exaggerated but I think I am. I can't feel anything anymore. I'm not sad but I'm not happy, I don't feel like I'm in an excruciating life but I'm constantly feel like I need more sleep, I need mo...