A How To : Forgive Yourself

worry not about the source, its a random pic from internet

I remember many many sleepless night and lousy day back in my young day. I remember when I get mad easily and yelled at my mother like she's the one who should took all the responsibilities of my problem. I can't even remember if there's any fine day when I spoke or showed an affection to her back there.

Since my mother died, I'm contemplating too much, I spend too many time of feeling guilty and worthless. I've become so sensitive and worrying if there's any chance of me hurting or taking people for granted. Its all because she's gone before I even realize that its too late to ask for a forgiveness and say that I love her.

Such a lovely feeling to have, eh?

I think its my own way to redeem every glance of mistake that I've made before.  And by far, a year gone and I'm still grieving about it.

Forgiving is a hard thing to do, its like allowing people to hurt you, like saying "Okay" when somebody tries to do a bad things to me. Our native instinct gives us an awareness, a pure defiance of protection. We don't want to fall so our body has their own system that wont let us fall. Self alarming, self defense, a prevention.

Now how to forgive if we know that those act would hurt us in someway?

Start with forgiving yourself and accepting your flaws. Accept the fact that we are not flawless, we had an anger, we say a bad word, we hurting people consciously, we forgot, we hold a grudge, we curse, we are weak.

We human does so many mistakes its impossible to redeem all of them in our short brief lifespan. Carrying a luggage full of guilty wont heal any wounds nor erase anything in the past. We just trying to believe that punishment will somehow made us feels better, made us stronger. The fact is, no, it doesn't.

Punishment pushed you far from the tranquility, I'm so worry that I'll hurt my dad the way I hurt my mother so I took all my belongings and moving out. I refuse to talk to my family simply because I don't want to say any bad word with or without my intention in it and make them feel bad about themselves. Months passed by and I spent most of my day alone and thinking and thinking and thinking about my past mistakes.

I smiles and laugh once in a while but you know, I'm so restless I don't even know what the hell am I doing there. I'm so tired of being restless but I never had a chance to sleep well without any bad dreams involves. I never know how to relief. To take a deep breath, feels the tranquility and let things go.
 

I'm not here to say its okay to be reckless and unthoughtful. To shout anything in our mind without thinking about will it hurt anyone who listen or not. I'm just saying, being too sensitive added by carrying a luggage full of guilty wont take you anywhere. 

Now take a deep breath and repeat after me.

"Dear myself, I forgive you wholeheartedly."

Sampit, 31 July 2015

Another mistake, another sleepless night.

Another Chapter

Limbo, taken from here

I feel like I wanna write so many things on blog lately since I had barely no where to shout. I had few close friends but they're still human with tons of problem and I had to put them first before me so our curhat session always ended up with me, listening and nurturing them with my wisdom craps.

The thing is, I don't know what I feel now. I'm 'skipping' Hari Raya this year simply because I don't feel like I want to celebrate it. I feel like I'm not worth enough to jump into the crowd and mass euphoria. So I spend my hari raya by eating Indomie Soto Ayam and watching television alone while my father and the rest of my family celebrating it in another province. 

I think I'm depressed. I know its so damn exaggerated but I think I am. I can't feel anything anymore. I'm not sad but I'm not happy, I don't feel like I'm in an excruciating life but I'm constantly feel like I need more sleep, I need more time to be away from my daily life and routine. I'm just in a state of feeling nothing. Numb.

Do I search the source of problem yet? I do, I'm trying so hard to figure out why do I have to be such a pretentious bastard whose act like she had nothing on her shoulder all the time, smiling and being funny like there's no problem in her life. I'm doing excellent at work, at social life, amongst my friends and family. I reached out the figure they're always bragged about; successful Nani with endless possibilities of career path.

I'm still figuring out but by far I only can tell that its all driven by a loneliness. I'm telling you this, I-Always-Accompanied. In my 24 hours of life, I effectively awaken by 7am - 2pm. In that time range I've NEVER being alone. Either I'm at work, or my friends comes and taking me out or I'm taking extra hour to work until late night at the office and yet at the end of the day I still feel all alone and strange when I'm lying in bed. I maximizing my time to not to be alone because I'm afraid with my own head when I'm alone.

Just like now, I'm writing shit since I realize that no matter how busy I am, no matter how many things I do in a day, or how exhausted I am after doing all of those things, I will always ended up in this state: feeling nothing caused of unknown. If its not a depression, then tell me what it is and how to mend this shit that already took almost all of my sober age. 

I don't know what I want, I want to step out but I want to stay. I want to change but I don't feel like I want to. I want to go out from this city and starting a new life but I already know how its gonna end. I want to stay but I'm running out of reason of why.

So here I am. 23 and clueless.

Sampit, 20 Juli 2015.

God give me a strength. 

Membaca Gejala

Membaca gejala dari jelaga

Kemarau sedang terik teriknya. Gersang dan hawa panas di siang hari disusul malam gigil yang menggeretakkan gigi kala menempuh perjalanan mencari sahur sudah menjadi hal biasa beberapa minggu belakangan. Ramadhan menemui puncaknya, tiga hari jelang lebaran.

Saya paling jago soal ini: Menerka nerka. Sudah menjadi kebiasaan bagi saya untuk mengambil jeda dari pikuk rutin seharian dan tepekur, memikirkan soal apa saja yang telah terjadi dan apa yang terlewat untuk dilakukan. Semata agar besok saya tidak mengulangi hal hal yang tidak selayaknya diulangi, meminimalisir perasaan sesal, atau memenuhi janji yang terlewat di hari itu lalu introspeksi. Sisanya membaca gejala, menerka nerka soal apa yang ingin semesta beritahukan pada saya saat hal hal tidak biasa terjadi.

Kehilangan kunci motor, air kamar mandi yang luber hingga dua hari, komputer yang lupa dimatikan, dompet tertinggal hingga kematian mama. 

Gejala gejala tidak biasa yang saya coba serap dari semesta memberikan jawaban atas setiap kenapa yang saya lontarkan pada kejadian kejadian tersebut. Semisal, kematian mama adalah cara Tuhan mendewasakan saya, menegarkan saya, menghilangkan kebiasaan cengeng dan gampang putus asa. Setelahnya saya merasakan kenaikan kelas, ini sombong tapi begitulah adanya. Saya menjadi seseorang yang jauh lebih pemaaf, penyabar dan penyayang dibanding tahun silam sebelum kematian mama.

Sampai sejauh ini saya merasa baik baik saja -kecuali untuk satu hal itu yang nampaknya tingkat kepelikannya sudah sedemikian absolut hingga tepekur dan introspeksi berhari hari tidak bisa menepiskan sedikitpun soal jangan-diulangi-lagi-esok-hari- hingga hari ini.

Hari ini saya kehilangan teman baik lantaran lupa membaca gejala. 

Pemakluman adalah upaya manusia untuk menegaskan kelemahan mereka sebagai manusia. Memanusiawikan kemanusiaannya di balik kalimat khilaf. Maka mungkin ini adalah titik khilaf saya, menjadi manusia yang tidak pandai membaca gelagat semesta, berkata yang tidak semestinya, menyakiti orang atas sesuatu yang bukan kesalahannya. Jika pemakluman adalah jawaban atas kekhilafan, maka saya tidak bisa mengutarakan apapun kecuali maaf.

Memaafkan diri sendiri adalah puncak pemaafan. Semoga kelak, di kehidupan yang terjadi selepas ini saya tidak menghukum diri sendiri dengan terlalu keras. Semoga dijauhkan dari pola berulang yang sungguh saya tau betul seperti apa rasa tidak nyamannya. Janji saya untuk tidak baper di media sosial sudah nyaris sepenuhnya terjalankan bahkan hingga kini saat akses dibacanya sedemikian tersedia.

Tidak lagi mempermalukan diri dengan berbagai hal yang memuakkan siapapun yang membacanya. Menjadi kuat dan berhenti mencari simpati, tidak menyakiti diri sendiri, menahan diri untuk tidak bereaksi berlebihan atas kejadian yang tidak mengenakkan. Tidak memperbolehkan diri sendiri untuk hidup dalam penyesalan meskipun telah kehilangan.

Saat seseorang mampu melewati proses kehilangan seseorang yang begitu besar porsi kehadirannya dalam hidupnya, kehilangan kehilangan selanjutnya adalah hal biasa. Sedih memang, sungguh. Saya tidak memungkiri perasaan mencelos dan kehilangan yang saya alami beberapa hari belakangan, saya memaafkan diri saya untuk merasa sedih, menangis, merasa bersalah. Namun setelah ini, saya tau saya akan baik baik saja, langkah saya akan sama ringannya seperti sebelum ini semua terjadi. 

Kejadian ini adalah gejala, dan saya harus berbijaksana dalam menerka simbol dan pesan semesta. Agar berhenti dan melanjutkan hidup ke arah yang berbeda.

Sebab saat kita naik kelas, kita harus rela meninggalkan ruang kelas yang lama. 

Sampit, 13 Juli 2015

Repetisi memang menyebalkan.